No News is Good News, right?

First of all, for the most part, assume that no news is good news.  It's so sad that I'm  not posting good updates, and I should be thankful for every GOOD moment there is, but in the long run, I'd rather just go with the "status quo" sometimes, and not have to stop and write about it.

Well, and then there's the other thing.  One night, just for kicks, I thought I'd read "at" this little book that the hospice people gave me called "When It's Time."  I knew it was about death approaching, and I'm pretty certain it's going to be a little while for Mom, so I just thought I'd read a few pages.  All of a sudden I got this panic/anxiety attack, and nearly collapsed.  WHERE did THAT come from?  I was so frustrated that I couldn't control myself from crying, sobbing, bargaining.  It was weird...it was like all of a sudden I was thinking about trying more and more things to make sure there wasn't more we could do.  Bill finally had to calm me down, and that's the last time I've done that!!  However, now, every time I even let myself "go there," [think about her dying], I panic again.

I guess I didn't mention that everything, for the most part, is going ok with her hospice.  She's definitely getting the help she needs.  I'm not really pleased with the change in staff and things so much, and I really wish we had someone to talk to other than a reverend.  I know that he's probably a great guy, and yada yada yada...I'd just prefer a licensed psychologist or something.  I'll have to find one on my own. Or not.

But all and all, my mom is doing well.  She goes to the store by herself, and so far is feeling better.  It's like she's back to her old self.  Yet she's not.

I appreciate everyone who reads this and offers support.  I kinda suck at responding, and that's rude of me.  Just know that I love you all for caring. 

Hospice

We met with the intake lady and nurse from Heart to Heart Hospice on Saturday at Mom's house.  I was very pleased with the care they provided to Mom, and she seemed to feel very good to have someone actually listen to what she had to say.  They had time for her, and that's what she's been wanting from her physicians all along.  I told Bill that I really wish that everyone could have a team of nurses around them when they are diagnosed with a serious illness.  This just seems to be the ideal situation for my mom.  They even identified the source of some of her pain from a surgery a long time ago. 

They gave me a booklet called "When Death is Near."  They told me not to even read it until I really needed to.  Of course stubborn me thought I could handle a page or two last night before I went to sleep.  I read one page, and had an anxiety attack.  I know she's not going to live forever. I know.  But when I read the details of actual death...no way.   I told Bill to shred the book (which we didn't), and I almost vomited.  Wow.  

So the way we left it, Mom will have the nurse twice a week, and  nurse's aid three times a week.  She requested a hot young male nurse, but they didn't seem to have one.  ;)  Love my mom.